Negative Comments

In the time that I have had this blog I have never had a negative comment… until tonight.  So I feel a need to re-state some things about my blog and the purpose behind it.

This blog isn’t meant as an “Oh POOR ME… my life was so horrible.”  I am not looking for pity.  I am writing about my life publicly because I feel that the more people that come in contact with it, the more people might be able to get through something horrible in their life.  Whether it’s past or present… I am trying to show people that child abuse is more common than the statistics.  The published statistics are only the reported ones that have come forward.  Of course there’s a buffer placed in there for an estimate of ones that haven’t come out.  It’s not accurate.  The children that survive child abuse and become adults, if they are lucky and able to survive it emotionally, can come out intact.  However, there’s a lot of emotional damage that is done that causes severe problems.  Multiple Personality Disorder and Disassociation are just two examples.  I happen to be very lucky.  For whatever reason, I turned out whole.  I’m a happy and well adjusted adult.  I have a loving husband and two beautiful daughters.

There is another purpose behind what I’m doing.  I’m posting these events of my life as a way to let go of them.  I have already cut the poisonous relationships out of my life.  My mother was the one that let these things happen to me… and my daughter asked me (at four years of age) a few days ago where my mother is and upon receiving the answer, she questioned me further.  She asked if my mother was her grandma too.  I told her no and my history is why she is not and never will be aloud around my girls.  I am biologically related to Kim and had no choice in that and now that I am an adult, I have an obligation to protect my girls and my mother happens to be someone they need protection from.

This blog is not for the faint of heart.  This blog discusses the very real events of my life.  If you don’t like what I write about, please don’t read.  Definitely don’t post negative comments.  If you read… great.  I can take all of the support I can get.  That’s had a huge impact on the things that I have been able to work through.

I have actually started writing a book about how I did make it out in one piece.  I’m doing it for myself but possibly for the others that will find something useful in it.  I would like to say that the negative comment was easy to brush off and move forward with what I’m doing.  I am still forever moving forward but the comment… it wasn’t nice.

Disappointed = Mournful

When you mathematically add two to two, it totals four.  Here’s what I get:

MOURNFUL: Feeling or expressing sorrow or grief.

I have always known this word but didn’t ever cognitively connect the word to my feelings as I read and respond to particularly sad blogs.  This is a very functional word when it is matched to how I feel to the depths of my soul.  I first made this connection, today in the wee hours of the morning.  I shared this word with a friend today to see if she felt the same.

BLOG DISCLAIMER: I know that some of my friends that know me outside of the virtual world as well as my virtual persona will read this, pick up their cell phones, and call me.  I am going to pre-emptively say that I am fine!  I am, in no way, pointing my finger saying “You weren’t there.”  I made the choice not to call.  I made the choice to internalize these feelings to deal with them at a later date.

Here goes…

I am tired of disappointment and Tuesday night it really got to me.  More so then it normally would.  It was a culmination of twenty years of it.  I felt the world crash and shudder to a halt.  My heart shattered, splintered; millions of pieces that fell to the floor of my soul to sparkle and glitter like glass.

I cried.  I was mourning every ounce of disappointment I had ever felt.  The culmination, or the thing that caused my breaking point…

I once felt close, welcomed, and safe.  I respected this person and for the most part, I looked to her for motherly guidance.  I shared things with her before starting this blog because she has had very real and painful experiences like mine.  I was promised help… promised a break… promised support and then when it came down to the moment of truth, she caused so much stress and disappointment.  The relief I needed never came.  I felt like it was so much more work than if I had worked through it on my own.  I felt alone and lost and instead of being able to relax, I ended up crying myself to sleep.