Oblivion you are my best friend. Your sweet cushion of absolute nothingness quiets my soul. I look for you in every second of every day. I take part in the sweet moments of life. The joys of motherhood. The milestones, birthdays, holidays, the quiet moments when things are soothing. When those moments go away, I look for you at every turn. I want to disappear. Sink into the darkness that you provide.
I disassociated again. I spent several days in a haze watching random nothingness on TV. I am trying to determine what was behind the disassociation. When I was in the behavioral health hospital, I was diagnosed bi-polar. In studying what that really means, I have been trying to recognize my highs and lows. Today, I am on a high. I got up whn my husband went to work at 5:00AM. I took him to work and returned some library books. That was probably one of the last rides I am going to have in my truck because we are selling it. This is rather significant because my truck was the only real thing that I had when I left Utah and my divorce. When I posted on Facebook that I was selling my truck, red flags should have gone off with those around me. Truth be told, only ONE person was concerned. She immediately messaged me and was very worried about it. I reassured her but it’s still something that should have worried those closest to me.
I cooked breakfast, cleaned the house, and spent as much time with my girls as I could before they went back to their dads’ house. Now I have been sitting on the couch, working on this entry. Internally, I want to crawl back into my proverbial black hole. I want to disappear. The roller coaster of emotions is literally driving me crazy. How do you deal with it? I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give me.
There was this one incident when my sister got really sick. My step-father and mother blamed me for it. The beating that I got made me see stars.
Myself and some of my friends opted to go hang out in the park that was only a short walk from my home. My step-father made me take my sister with me. I was fourteen and she was four years old.
I remember it was somewhere in the 30s and dropping. Still we went to the park. Suzie went to play and I sat at one of the picnic tables with my friends. we were out there for a few hours. At some point, my step-father pulled into the parking lot to watch us. He made it a regular habit to follow me wherever I would go. I think he did this because he wanted to catch me doing something wrong just so he could punish me. He always found a reason.
Suzie got sick over the next few days. Really sick. Her temperature was so high that she believed that there were spiders crawling all over her.
During this time, my home live was very distorted beyond the violence, sexual, and emotional abuse. My mother worked in one city two hours away from where we resided. Since my sister wasn’t in school, my mother and sister would leave on Sunday evening and go stay with relatives that lived closer to her job. They would come back on Friday night. This gave my step-father the ability to treat me however he wanted uninterrupted.
When my step-father found out about how my sister had gotten so sick, it was open season. I missed school the next day. The time that I spent with him in that house was nothing short of a nightmare. Hell on earth.
I feel completely useless. I discuss this with my husband all of the time and it really bother’s him. Even with that, he supports me 100%. I can’t believe how lucky I am in that regard. Whenever I am weak and have a melt down, he gives me his strength…
BUT
The depth of how I feel towards myself is so negative. Some days, I can beat it, other days, it gets the best of me. Like today. My husband is at work and has pulled a muscle in his back. My feet hurt so bad from the FM, that I can barely get off the couch. This leaves me with the feeling that my usefulness has expired. Almost as if there is an expiration date on my forehead dated 2017.
He does so much for me. He makes sure I eat regularly. this is necessary because with the depression, I am never hungry. He reminds me to take my medications. Throughout everything, he waits patiently for me to have a good day so he can spend time with the woman he fell in love. Heaven knows that I am lost or have lost who I am.
I have written about this before. My ‘Negative Nelly’. This is where my head resides. I have copied the link to the ‘Negative Nelly’ entry for those that would like to read it.
Gather wisdom and you shall become wise
Scream in the face of adversity and you will be strong
Face your demons and your bravery will shine through
The darkness around you will face into sunlight
A cool breeze will soothe the gaping holes within your soul
Believe with unwavering certainty
Challenge your resilience to fail and you will reach your impossible
Let shame no longer feed the bitterness
Take a spoonful belief and you shall find yourself
No longer living in oppression under the heels of the dictator
Open your arms and spin until your world is once again even
Your wisdom will give you direction
Your strength leading you through hell and fire
Finding safety in the sunshine
Sing into the wind and the world will hear your song
The holes in your soul will fill with hope
Fear will be evicted
I am no longer your possession to do with as you please
I am no longer yours
I am no longer holding on to the fear you beat into my heart
You murdered my innocence; shattered my soul
I am stronger than your will to break me
My soul will heal
My tears will dry
The throbbing pain in my heart will subside
I am stronger than your will to break me
I am no longer afraid
I am no longer your possession to do with as you please
I am no longer yours
You are soulless
You will forever be alone
With the memories forever haunting
Constantly being reminded of your crimes
Your own self inflicted; self created hell turned against you
I am stronger than your will to break me
I will overcome my hellish memories
I will heal from the wounds you have inflicted
The sunshine will caress my soul
While yours will be forever cast in the pitch of night
I am no longer your possession to do with as you please
I was never yours
A white feather dances on the wind
Playing with the breeze and dancing in the sun
Carefree emotions so long forgotten
The world should be black as pitch with the darkness floating in my heart
I can’t breathe or hear the song playing in my head
There is sparkle in broken glass but I find no pleasure in the prisms dancing across my face
I am confined and yet lost within infinity
I can see the cracks within the soul hidden from the world yet I make no connection to life
I close my eyes, smelling the breeze
Looking for the answer that will never come
Am I blind and as lost as an angel with broken wings
I have reached for the stars and have fallen short of expectation
I am not good enough and have a damaged soul
Measuring up but always flat
You have wrecked havoc within my heart
Broken shards bringing blood ad pain
A hell that I have left behind
A place in libo where I have come to rest
Drip Drop Drip Drop, Pit Pat Pit Pat
Rain falls on the roof drowning the sun
I have lost my heart and I fear I am broken
Do I only see the trees and not the forest
A white feather dances in the wind
Playing with the breeze and floating in the sun
Anger and a long forgotten memory
I create my own darkness and revel in its depth
I belong in hell
Broken, bruised, and bleeding
Left and forever hunting the sound track of my life
I have no words and have lost the beat of the song
The tempo disappearing, leaving me with my own empty soul
There is no comfort in my prison
No solace in this hell of mine
No comfort in the beat of my heart
A white feather dances in the wind
Playing with the breeze and floating in the sun
I’m not prone to just sharing music videos but I had to share this one. I felt this video touched the places down deep and even though it’s sad, you can see the hope on the other side of the fence. I truly hope you take the time to watch.
Respectfully,
Phoenix
This is a poem from my high school days.
the demons crowd around me in unison
the cry of death is deafening
i’m scared and hovering in my corner alone
the guitar is my battle cry
singing and screaming, siphoning me of all life
my vision blurs and one becomes two combining into four
the razor blades cry my name and the mirror has no reflection
i run from my shadow and blend in with death
i won’t try to argue
the point is clear and the time to dance with the train is near
i can taste your fear as it oozes from your pores
my heart races and the tears fall
statues move and the turtle dances
blood spills into puddles on my clothes
and the dead walk the earth
anger and hatred rip through the flesh and leap as fire towards the havens
cries to god go unheard
a forgotten child plays with the snake
crawling in fear toward hell
the devil shall parish in his own flames of evil
dragons fly across the moon and the pegasus dances on my grave
a forgotten promise flies on the wings of a dove
my name is echoed in the padded room
i shrink down to nothing in this straight jacket
i become the disease of nothing in particular
the hurricane rages in your mind
a photograph is taken and the panther lurks in the shadows
the termite chokes on the splinters and the boat left without the captain
in the eyes of the demons a child cries
for fear of death is blessed by the world
worldly values become figments of my imagination
dreams become the tear drops falling from the sky
at your feet lies the puddle of water that leads to the ocean
lightning flashes and the sky falls
whales fly and the one-eyed cyclops screams in fear
the dance has ended and the piano is out of tune
the demons crowd around me in unison
jostling each other out of restlessness for action
laughter is heard over the screams
it’s a long way down and i’m staying on the ledge
the gremlin hunts the demon of my heart
loneliness takes its toll and the dagger killed the love
the stars dance around my hands
it’s been awhile since death reconciled with life
it was a black wedding for you
and the snake reclaims the child
cold sets in and I’m left to stare at a mirror
it sucks you in and drags you down
in the picture lies the dead man petting his dog
walking the tightrope without a net
i let myself fall
i’m bent in two the wrong way
the guitar plays my song
the ghost dances with its body
the demons cry and my name and i answer with my battle cry of tears
the man in the uniform shot the innocent while i lay in my grave
the ring is from my finger and the telephone sits silent
the wolf howls at the moon where the dragon sits eating the pegasus
memories are where you lay them
buried is the hemorrhage in my hand
you fight for your life and all you get is death in the end
the demons crowd around me
the spell goes unbroken from broken promises
the cat ate the fish and the dog ate the cat
mexico at the dog that had a death wish and crossed the border
the riot rages in the white house where patriotism kills
the edge becomes my interest as i stare at the ants from the ledge
the demons disappear and life becomes death in the end
closing my eyes, i fall and……………
I wrote this April 6, 2003 when there was a possibility that my husband (then boyfriend) was almost recalled by the Army.
Broken hearts and bloodied tears,
Scars that still burn.
The ground rolls with thunder and spears of fire.
Innocence dies in a nameless sea that churns and churns.
As we are all prisoners of war.
A mother cries for her son and daughter.
Little children with scraped knees playing cowboys and indians,
Worlds spread apart by water.
History is re-born behind buildings in shadowed ally’s.
As we are all prisoners of war.
Thunder claps overhead.
They march single file.
Into the face of the unknown they are led.
Being bound by duty all the while.
As we are all prisoners of war.
The proud and the beautiful
With dirt smudged hope.
Their battle cries are heard by millions that stand faithful.
Letters of assurance are written and sent home.
As we are all prisoners of war.
Life Changing the World: A Phoenix's Aria 