The FireBird: A Phoenix's Aria

"A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A Text…

I received a text message from Kim not too long ago.  Apparently an aunt of mine informed her that I didn’t want anything to do with her or my sister Suzie anymore.  So Kim decided to send me a text.  I shouldn’t be mad or hurt at what the text said but sadly, I am.  It’s a hollow kind of pain that makes me feel like there’s a big part of me that just went missing. A Text Message From Kim:

Don’t bother texting or calling me ever again because as far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a daughter.

I didn’t respond.  I didn’t feel that it was worth a response but for whatever reason, I can’t get over this hollow feeling in my chest.  I’ve always known how she felt but this is the first time that it was said to my face.  I guess that is where this pain is coming from.

 

Poetry: Sunset In A Cup

Bring me the sunset in a cup for I want to drink.
I want to bring in the happiness and beauty, to make it my own.
To hold it close to my heart, never to let it go.
I wish to look into the glow and witness my future.
My past too dark and bleak
Bring me the sunset in cup so that I can taste freedom.
I wish to leave my cage and shackles behind,
To hopefully be forgotten.
The nightmare is right on my heel.
I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.
His hands forever holding me back and holding me down.
Bring me the sunset in a cup so that I may drink of freedom and the future.

A Hollow Christmas

Have you ever noticed that around October, the shopping season actually begins to take off.  It starts off slowly and it starts to slowly build up to the major shopping event of black Friday.  Black Friday has become a separate and almost religious holiday in and of itself.  People go to the stores and fight to the death over the most coveted items just to hurry and wait in line.  I don’t have to mention that people are waiting in line for almost four hours and some times even longer.  This is all part of the holiday frenzy and once the black Friday holiday phenomenon is over, a quiet and stillness sets in.  The stores quiet down for a temporary lull until the day after Christmas.  In which, that day people flood the stores with their gift receipts to return the things they don’t want for the things they do want.  The sad thing is that most of these people will tell the person that gave them the original gift how much they loved it; too ashamed to admit that they returned the original gift.  What happened to giving and receiving and being thankful?  For it to mean something?
I remember being a kid… seven or eight years old on Christmas morning sitting in front of the tree opening Christmas presents.  I guess I received something that I didn’t like.  I believe it was a sweater.  I remember saying thank you without any real enthusiasm, setting it down, and moving on to opening the next present.  Things became quiet.  The next thing I knew was that Jack A. was standing over me.  He questioned me.

What, you didn’t like that present?

He said it calmly and quietly and I knew by his tone of voice that I had made a mistake.  Scared, I did my best to sink into the floor and disappear.  Of course this is impossible.  He went and sat back in his chair and told me to open the rest of my presents.  Which I did.  It was hard to get excited about any of the other presents because, as I opened them, they all felt like a bomb ready to explode.  After all of the presents were opened, Jack A. got up and came to tower over me a second time.  He handed me an envelope and told me to open it.  It was a polaroid picture of a fluffy golden retriever puppy.
I got all excited and jumped up and down squealing like little girls are prone to do.  Jack A. smiled and said:

We’re supposed to go pick him up tomorrow.

He proceeded to walk out of the room and came back to the living room with the phone in his hand.  He made motion toward the picture of the puppy which I handed to him.  He turned the picture over and dialed a phone number listed on the back of the polaroid.  It took a few rings before Jack A. gave his greeting.  All I heard from his end of the conversation was that we weren’t going to be picking up the puppy after all.  When he hung up the phone and said:

Until you can learn how to appreciate what you are being given, you will not be given any more presents.  So don’t expect anything for your birthday either.

I was sent to my room.  Kim and Jack A. took all of the presents I had opened back to the store.  I was left at home while they went to my Grandma and Grandpa’s for Christmas dinner and gift exchange.  I was not told what happened to the presents that I was given; nor did I ask.  I wasn’t brought home any dinner and I went to bed hungry.  Jack A. held true to his word that I wasn’t going to get any birthday presents.  I don’t even remember being told “Happy Birthday.”
From that point forward, I know that I was overly enthusiastic about what I got.  I stopped believing in Santa Clause that year because the Santa Clause presents that I opened that year were returned to the store.  Something that I took notice of as well was that my mother stopped getting in between my step-father and myself… It was almost like she started being a spectator at a bull fight.  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I cried until I could see the early rays of dawn peaking through my window.  Only then did I fall asleep.

Affirmations: Week 20

My Week 20 Affirmation and How I Lived It!  My Week 20 Affirmation is that I trust in the abundance of the universe and I trust myself to bring me what I need.  There have been times when I wasn’t sure what was best for me.  There have been so many instances where confusion set in and I had to make a spur of the moment decision.  And there have been moments during these times that I seriously doubted my decisions.  But for the most part and for the decisions that mattered, they were the right ones.  I am still struggling with the decision that I have made regarding my sister Suzie and Kim.  I returned home a few days ago from visiting my hometown and while there I visited my one and only living Grandmother.  I also visited my grandfathers gave site.  I looked up to him and always believed he had all of the answers.  when I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up and be just like that.  Now I know he didn’t have all of the answers.  He wasn’t Superman.  He was a person.  A very real person and I can’t help but wonder if he would be disappointed in my decisions.  I sat down in front of his grave and cried.  I cried for all that I was worth because I still need his guidance and understanding.  However, I have to move forward and can only trust in my decision and if I make a mistake, then I will just pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn from my mistakes.

My Week 21 Affirmation is that my intentions are aligned with my greatest good and are based on my values.  I will be posting my notes on this on the Dec. 27th, 2012.

Transcription 15 of 15

Here are my Affirmations: Week 19
Publication Date: 12/13/2012

Affirmation: The universe supports me in my stand against injustice!

I have actually been researching ideas that will allow me to contribute something completely unique and all my own that might help others.  I have set this one aside for further digging.

 

Transcription 14 of 15

Here are my Affirmations: Week 18
Publication Date: 12/6/2012

Affirmation: The universe supports me in my self-discovery and my success.

I don’t need the support of the universe… I just need the support of the ones that I hold close to my heart and I already have that.  There is nothing else to add to this weeks notes.

 

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Here are my Affirmations: Week 17
Publication Date: 11/29/2012

Affirmation: I cultivate friendships with people who share my interests and views.

What are my interests?  Well reading, writing, and art.  I believe that I will always be a career student because I am always trying to learn something new.  My art comes a little harder.  Finding time and inspiration is what makes it difficult.
What are my views?  Every person is entitled to their own opinion.  I do not and will not push what I believe on to anyone else.  It is not my place or my position to do so.  As for cultivating friendships that I have these things in common with… it’s a bonus but not a necessity.  Every person is unique in their own way and should be cherished as such.

 

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Here are my Affirmations: Week 16
Publication Date: 11/22/2012

Affirmation: The universe is true so when I am aligned with truth, the universe supports me.

I do what I can to tell the events of my life as they happened.  I am doing it in a very public way.  In doing so, I have found the support that I have needed for a long time.  I do have the support from my husband and my girls… but what I never had is understanding in my experiences.  Others that have been down similar paths as mine.

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Here are my Affirmations: Week 15
Publication Date: 11/15/2012

Affirmation: I let go of the past and trust in the future!

There is only one way to go in life and that is forward.  There is no future in dwelling in the past.  I am in my 15th (out of 52) weeks of my abuse recovery.  Recovery from any abuse is a life long battle.  It gets easier as time passes but in reaching each step in the process, I am looking to my future.  I am doing the best that I can to give my girls the mother that they deserve.

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Here are my Affirmations: Week 14
Publication Date: 11/8/2012

Affirmation: My tears water my spirit, my truth feeds it, and so it revives.

I have cried a lot over the years for a lot of basically different things.  Those basically different things are puzzle pieces of this one picture.  I imagine that picture being the faces of my abusers.  Each negative act they did, watered what will eventually become the end result.  With each piece of truth that I write/type, I grow more complete.  One day I will be able to look at their faces without fear.  And eventually, the end result will be a completely healed and whole spirit.

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