Affirmations: Week 22

My Week 22 Affirmation is I am confident even as I confront the unknown.  I am late in posting my Week 22 Affirmation and my apologies to my readers.  Confidence is simple and easy to come by only if you know how to find it.  My experience has been that when the unknown is possible, I falter and question myself and my decisions.  This week, I have done my best to look past the unknown and have confidence in my decisions.  With the drama of Kim’s text to me, I stopped questioning my decision.  I accepted it.
This ins’t the only thing that I confronted.  My husband and I made the decision to move back to my home state.  The outcome is unknown in the sense that I no longer have a relationship with any of my relatives.

My Week 23 Affirmation is mastery of anything new increases my self-esteem and confidence.  Now, does anyone have any suggestions for new endeavors?

Secondary Blog: I have started another blog…

Hello to all of my readers.  I have started a secondary blog for my random musings.  Something for the happy side of my life.

If you’re interested, here is the link: http://thephoenixariatoo.wordpress.com

Transcription 7 of 15

Here are my Affirmations: Week 11
Publication Date: 10/18/2012

Affirmation: I bring balance into the structure of my days!

I think any parent in their right mind does their best to include balance and structure.  For this affirmation, I did my best to maintain the balance and structure that I already had in place.  I had surgery on the 9th of November and had lost the use of my hands.

Out of the Dust: Part 2

Whenever Jack A. would find something to punish me for, he would get this smile on his face.  I know I have mentioned this before but there is something that I didn’t include.  He was someone that could make my blood turn cold… there was just something that changed when he would come home from work and he would close that front door behind him.
Like a coin there were two sides to him.  When he had to be around others, he put out this warm and caring persona that most people bought into.  He could fake a genuine smile and it would actually connect with his eyes.  When he would introduce his family (specifically me) to people, I would always be told that Jack A. talked so highly of me.  People bought into his strong hand shakes and friendly face.
When that door closed behind him, he turned into the complete opposite.  The smile mentioned would not meet his eyes and when I would look into them, I saw a real and in the flesh nightmare.  I would see my reflection in his eyes but it was the one that he would see.  The me that he saw was this vessel for his evil satisfaction.  I was an object for him to play with and abuse at his convenience.  I know that he would become aroused when he would punish me.  This was usually in correspondence with his smile for me.  His teeth were rotten and completely decayed.  The second that that grin would stretch across his lips… those blackened and jagged pieces would show… in those moments of my life I would try to mentally check out to protect myself as best as possible.  I knew in those seconds that there was no place that I could ever hide.  There was no way I could ever escape him.
A few nights ago I had this very real nightmare.  In it, I was talking with a therapist and telling her about being molested by Jack A. in the dream , I made the decision to tell Kim about what he had done to me when she wasn’t looking.
The memory that I possessed in this dream shattered every ounce of security I had in my blank and faulty memory.  This will make more sense later in this entry.
The things that I told Kim, trying desperately to make her believe me… were of being very small… being violated without choice… screaming and crying for Kim.  Screaming “No!, No!, No!” through my tears.
I have two daughters … and they have to both taken a piece of me into their personalities.  Aisha wears her heart on her sleeve and her emotions so close to the surface.  Clairy on the other hand has this cheeky and happy attitude and its her voice that I hear screaming in my head saying “No!, No!, No!” being raped of her innocence, shattering my heart and soul.  As much as it sounds like her, its me.  She took that piece of me.
It didn’t matter how I explained it to Kim.  She sat there shaking her head, disbelieving and sitting firm in her resolve that I was lying.  Like in real life, in my dream she went to Jack A. and told him every word that I had said.
I was then transformed into my toddler self running from that I was then transformed into my toddler self running from that bad and evil man.  Knowing that I would never get away.  In what seemed like seconds, I was caught.  He was towering over me turning my blood to ice with that grin.  I woke up with what sounded like a scream in my head but was merely a whimper in my throat.  My face was drenched in sweat and tears and a new realization dawned on me.
The memory on the molestation is real.  No longer something hidden from me by my subconscious.  It is no longer something that I can run from.

Affirmations: Week 5

Week 5 of 52 Weeks of Verbal Abuse Recovery

My week 5 Affirmation is: What is for my highest good is also good for all.

In seven days, I will discuss how I lived this affirmation.  Please look for my Week 6 Affirmation which will enclose my Week 5 summary.

Affirmations: Week 4

My week 3 Affirmation and How I Lived It!  My week 3 affirmation is that the spirit of life at my center thrives in the shelter of my courage.  This is a difficult affirmation to explain what I did this week.  This week, I learned that my mother didn’t ever want to have me and that was very difficult to take in.  It really shook me up… and left me wondering or questioning what my purpose is.  On one side of the coin, I’ve always thought that everything happens for a reason.  Then on the other side of the coin, it’s difficult for me to believe that because of the things I’ve endured.  However, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.  So this week, with the things that I have learned, I really had to be in touch with my courage to look past how my mom felt and to not sink into a depression.  I really had to see what I have now (a wonderful husband that goes above and beyond to support me, my two beautiful daughters with there very different but amazing personalities, and my dogs without which my family wouldn’t be complete) and understand that it doesn’t matter how bad my life was before, my life is beautiful now.  I’m not sure if this is what my affirmation for this week was about, but this is what I feel it means.

Week 4 of 52 Weeks of Verbal Abuse Recovery

My week 4 Affirmation is: I make good choices because I frequently review my priorities.

In seven days, I will discuss how I lived this affirmation.  Please look for my Week 5 Affirmation which will enclose my Week 4 summary.

Poetry: I Am

After my recent post, I picked out this poem I wrote in high school to publish.

crazy and demented

sick and twisted

unbelievably tormented

I AM

every time i close my eyes

i see a nightmare

that haunts me

in daylight hours

i still see a darkness

even though the sun shines

a breath of fresh air shall not stir

for death and destruction

I AM

pain and sorrow

dwell in my heart

every breath i take

is shallow and slow

un-living

unbelieving

I AM

Disappointed = Mournful

When you mathematically add two to two, it totals four.  Here’s what I get:

MOURNFUL: Feeling or expressing sorrow or grief.

I have always known this word but didn’t ever cognitively connect the word to my feelings as I read and respond to particularly sad blogs.  This is a very functional word when it is matched to how I feel to the depths of my soul.  I first made this connection, today in the wee hours of the morning.  I shared this word with a friend today to see if she felt the same.

BLOG DISCLAIMER: I know that some of my friends that know me outside of the virtual world as well as my virtual persona will read this, pick up their cell phones, and call me.  I am going to pre-emptively say that I am fine!  I am, in no way, pointing my finger saying “You weren’t there.”  I made the choice not to call.  I made the choice to internalize these feelings to deal with them at a later date.

Here goes…

I am tired of disappointment and Tuesday night it really got to me.  More so then it normally would.  It was a culmination of twenty years of it.  I felt the world crash and shudder to a halt.  My heart shattered, splintered; millions of pieces that fell to the floor of my soul to sparkle and glitter like glass.

I cried.  I was mourning every ounce of disappointment I had ever felt.  The culmination, or the thing that caused my breaking point…

I once felt close, welcomed, and safe.  I respected this person and for the most part, I looked to her for motherly guidance.  I shared things with her before starting this blog because she has had very real and painful experiences like mine.  I was promised help… promised a break… promised support and then when it came down to the moment of truth, she caused so much stress and disappointment.  The relief I needed never came.  I felt like it was so much more work than if I had worked through it on my own.  I felt alone and lost and instead of being able to relax, I ended up crying myself to sleep.

Affirmations: Week 3

Week 2 Affirmation and How I Lived It!  My Week 2 Affirmation is that I am part of all.  I belong.  I spent extra time with my kids and husband this week.  I defined to myself what I need to be for me, for my kids, and for my husband.  Family is the most important thing to me.  In defining these things, I know where I fit in life.  I know I belong.  I am part of the lives of my girls and my husband and they are a part of mine.

Week 3 of 52 Weeks of Verbal Abuse Recovery

My week 3 Affirmation is: The spirit of life at my center thrives in the shelter of my courage.

In seven days, I will discuss how I lived this affirmation.  Please look for my Week 4 Affirmation which will enclose my Week 3 summary.

Out of Place

I have rounded a corner in my life and I can feel the changes coming over the horizon.  It’s about knowing whether fear or confidence is going to lead me through these changes.  In this life I have learned that confidence and trust can be the cause of anyone’s heartache and fear can be the downfall of anyones sanity.  I have allowed fear to lead me through most of my life.  It’s time for me to find my confidence and make a major transition.

So this means I am on another adventure along with my recovery.  My adventure care package came complete with a pen and a journal with a blank page.  The open space of a blank page can be daunting, it can cause fear.  However, in my world it’s a comfort.  I have found myself time and time again within the pages of my journal.

Someone in my past has tried to stifle and kill this fire in my soul and yet I am still here.  With each punch, slap, and slanderous word, I was thrust toward being the person that I am today.  Even though, I could have easily turned to a more dramatic life such as doing drugs or becoming an alcoholic.  Being dramatic isn’t always a good thing.  My cousins parents were drug dealers so it would have been all too easy to take that road.  Instead I feel like, compared to the rest of my extended family, I feel as if I have taken the road less traveled.

Now I have rounded this corner and I see these changes coming, cresting at the top of a hill.  I am left questioning myself and how I will greet what’s coming.  Yesterday I was not myself.  My affirmation for this week is that I belong and am part of all; I was not off to a very good start yesterday.  I felt the opposite.  When I was writing out and planning this blog, I felt as if I had forgotten how to put words together to form sentences.  If it weren’t for spell check, I would almost be embarrassed.  I didn’t know what was wrong and typically being around my fun and bubbly little girls can cure almost any bad or off mood.  Yesterday something just wasn’t right.  My body didn’t belong to me almost like I was a puppet with tangled strings.  Have you ever walked into a room that you’ve seen a million and one times but on the last look something is just out of place?  Almost as if everything has been moved or shifted on its axis in the slightest of ways, causing you to pause or question your internal landscapes.  Questioning if all of the parts and pieces are there.  I felt extremely awkward all day and the fact that I didn’t know what was wrong really bothered me.

Today… I have a cold.  So, that could have been the pre-intro to a cold but I really don’t think so.  It was somehow different from just feeling worn out and icky.